In this light-hearted exploration of marriage jokes, we embark on a delightful journey to discover the humor that lies at the heart of the matrimonial union. From classic one-liners that highlight the nuances of living together to playful anecdotes about misunderstandings and compromises, these jokes encapsulate the essence of marriage in all its amusing glory.

Throughout the article, we’ll delve into the shared experiences that make these jokes resonate with couples from all walks of life. Whether it’s navigating household chores, the quirks of each partner, or the humorous insights into communication styles, these jokes lovingly poke fun at the very fabric of marriage while fostering a sense of camaraderie and understanding.

Moreover, we’ll explore how humor, when employed wisely, can strengthen the bond between partners and diffuse tense situations, acting as a valuable coping mechanism in the face of life’s challenges. Marriage jokes not only bring laughter but also serve as a reminder that, in the grand tapestry of life, a hearty chuckle can be the thread that mends the little tears along the way.

So, join us on this laughter-filled expedition, where we celebrate the wit and wisdom of marriage jokes that have been passed down through generations, resonating with couples in their unique journey of love, laughter, and happily ever after.

Till Laugh Do Us Part: 100 Rib-Tickling Marriage Jokes for Couples

1. There was a man who said that he would go through hell for his partner. They got married and now he is going through hell.
2. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
3. Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time!
4. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
5. When you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
6. I married Miss Right, I didn’t know her first name was Always.
7. Marriage requires a man to prepare for 3 different rings: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.
8. Love is a long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
9. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
10. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed… I never knew they worked!
11. Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
12. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
13. Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. A life sentence.
14. A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” The woman looked at him strangely and asked “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere,” he replied.
15. Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
16. The saying is true; love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
17. Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
18. Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
19. Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? He’s trying to figure out the combination.
20. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to and you’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is you don’t have a say in the life sentence being passed.
21. If a man is in the middle of nowhere and there isn’t a woman around, is he still wrong?
22. The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
23. A wife once told his husband, “If a ship was sinking and there was only one life vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.”
24. They married for better or for worse—he couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.
25. Single guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife. So do most married men
26. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
27. When a woman makes a fool of a man it’s usually an improvement.
28. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
29. I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today that my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
30. A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
31. I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
32. My husband and I had a very happy twenty years. After that, we met.
33. I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention.
34. Wife (sitting in front of the mirror): “I feel ugly. Compliment me to make me feel better.” Husband: “Your vision is absolutely perfect.”
35. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
36. What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game? They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.
37. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take, the husband gives and the wife takes.
38. My wife asked for her Chapstick, but I accidentally handed her the glue stick. She is not talking to me yet.
39. Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?” Wife: “I’m looking for an expiration date.”
40. Scientists have just discovered something that can do all the work of five men…a woman.
41. It doesn’t matter how many times a married man changes his job; he will always end up with the same boss.
42. Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband.” Friend: “Great trade!”
43. My husband cooks for me like I’m a god – by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
44. If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
45. Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch, all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
46. When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals.
47. How do you know if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
48. Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat.
49. Husband: “I want to go somewhere on holiday this year that I’ve never been before.” Wife: “Well how about the kitchen?”
50. What do wives and hurricanes have in common? On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and car with them.
51. Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
52. Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I heard two scoutmasters recently decided to tie the knot.
53. On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”
54. My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids. If you’re interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.
55. A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny—I’m just homesick.”
56. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
57. What are a married man’s two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
58. I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
59. Arguing with your wife or husband is a lot like trying to read the ‘Terms of Use’ on the internet. In the end, you just give up and go “I agree.”
60. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.
61. A magician made her husband vanish into thin air. How you may ask? Simple, she asked for the truth.
62. What’s the difference between a bride-to-be and a groom-to-be? A bride-to-be wants a shower. A groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his Big Day.
63. I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married. For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.
64. How is a wife like bacon? They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.
65. “I love you,” she said. “Is that you talking,” I asked, “Or the wine?” “It’s me talking to the wine.”
66. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.
67. Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight! Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.
68. I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing.
    It’s laundry day.
69. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
70. What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.
71. Every morning I like to remind my wife who’s in charge by holding a mirror up to her face.
72. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
73. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
74. It has been a very emotional day…as some of you must have noticed, even the cake is in tiers.
75. My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days.
76. I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married. I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
77. Once you’re married, people stop asking about your sex life. They know you don’t have one.
78. My wife Mary and I have been married for 47 years, and not once have we argued seriously enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
79. I play the world’s most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
80. An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
81. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
82. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three hos.
83. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
84. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, and she said yes—about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
85. A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a 45-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your 45-year-old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
86. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
87. My partner and I took out life insurance policies on each other. So, now it’s just a waiting game.
88. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
89. Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first, it’s a perfect fit, but after a while, you need alterations.
90. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
91. How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
92. Wife: “Do you want dinner?” Husband: “Sure, what are my choices?” Wife: “Yes and no.”
93. I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her, “At least the wedding went off without a hitch.”
94. Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
95. Wife: “Why are you home so early?” Husband: “My boss told me to go to hell.”
96. Marriage is the alliance of two people—one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
97. What kind of institution is marriage? One where a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
98. Wife: “How would you describe me?” Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” Wife: “What does that mean?”
    Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.” Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?” Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
99. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
100. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
101. One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.
102. Did you hear about the two-bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.
103. If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
104. Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
105. A married couple is out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 20 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
106. Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist; it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.
107. On the groom’s first date with the bride, he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven-course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six-pack!
108. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
109. Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs…
110. A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
111. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”
112. He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years—I hope his wife doesn’t find out.
113. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. Take advantage of that as much as you can
114. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
115. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
116. A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
117. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
118. The main difference between a person’s wife and a battery is that the battery contains a positive side.
119. I had my credit card stolen the other day, but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
120. A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!” The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and ends up out on the street when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait, I’m your husband!” She replies giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”

Directed by David Dobkin from a screenplay by Steve Faber and Bob Fisher, Wedding Crashers stars Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn as John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey, two 20-somethings who enjoy nothing better than crashing weddings and scoring with the bridesmaids.

Everything is going swimmingly until the duo decides to crash the wedding of US Secretary of the Treasury William Cleary’s (Christopher Walken) oldest daughter. The two set their sights on Cleary’s other two daughters, with Grey hooking up with Gloria (Isla Fisher), who quickly becomes obsessed with him, and Beckwith courting Claire (Rachel McAdams).

Breaking all the rules they set as wedding crashers, the lads go back to the Cleary’s for the weekend as Beckwith begins to fall for Claire. Hilarity ensues as Grey tries to escape the clutches of the sexually possessive Gloria while Beckwith ramps up the charm as he contends with Claire’s deuce bag boyfriend Sack Lodge (a memorable Bradley Cooper playing against type).

Despite mixed reviews, Wedding Crashers was a massive box office smash, earning $288.5 million and putting the R-rated comedy back on the map. The film was a massive boost to the careers of McAdams, Fisher, and Cooper, who were all relatively new in the industry. While some of the jokes wouldn’t fly today, overall, Wedding Crashers is a good laugh, especially when the movie heads to the house of Secretary Cleary in New Hampshire where the touch football game and little hunting trips bring the laughs. The surprise appearance of Will Ferrell as veteran wedding crasher Chazz Reinhold is one of the movie’s great cameos that’s sure to have you laughing uncontrollably.

So read on below and discover the funniest and most memorable Wedding Crashers quotes that will have you ready for wedding season.

40 Hilarious Wedding Crashers Quotes

1. “I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!” – Jeremy Grey

2. “I’m sorry I called you a hillbilly. I don’t even know what that meant.” – John Beckwith

3. “Wow, getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner here.” – Jeremy Grey

4. “True love is your soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another.” – John Beckwith

5. “Death, you are my bitch lover!” – Todd Cleary

6. “I’m a little too traumatized to have a scone.” – Jeremy Grey

7. “You’re like that crazy guest who thinks he’s part of the family already.” – Claire Cleary

8. “I felt like Jodie Foster in ‘The Accused’ last night.” – Jeremy Grey

9. “You know how they say we only use 10% of our brains? I think we only use 10 % of our hearts.” – John Beckwith

10. “I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.” – Jeremy Grey

11. “Mom! The meatloaf!” – Chazz Reinhold

12. “Love doesn’t exist, that’s what I’m trying to tell you guys. And I’m not picking on love, ’cause I don’t think friendship exists either.” – John Beckwith

13. “Yeah! Crab cakes and football. That’s what Maryland does!” – Flip

14. “Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bull’s eye.” – Jeremy Grey

15. “I almost nunchucked you; you don’t even realize!” – Chazz Reinhold

16. “What are you doing? It’s a game of touch football, every time I look over, you’re on your ass again.” – John Beckwith

17. “I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?” – Jeremy Grey

18. “Whatever. Make me a bicycle, clown.” – Young boy at the wedding reception

19. “Oh, that’s terrific! Why don’t you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.” – Jeremy Grey

20. “Let’s play tummy sticks.” – Todd Cleary

21. “I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn’t see me?” – Jeremy Grey

22. “Oh, he says he believes in art, but all I’ve seen him do is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick!” – William Cleary

23. “Who gives a shit? It’s a great band, it’s a bad band, it’s like pizza, baby.” – Jeremy Grey

24. “You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!” – Mrs. Kroeger

25. “Yeah, her boyfriend just died. Dude died in a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot.” – Chazz Reinhold

26. “I’m not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. And you want to know what? I dig it.” – Jeremy Grey

27. “Don’t ever leave me.” “Good. ‘Cause I’d find you!” – Gloria Cleary

28. “Last week I made, to scale, a balloon model of Wrigley Field. I don’t have anywhere to put it.” – Jeremy Grey

29. “William doesn’t give a sh*t about my tits.” – Kathleen Cleary

30. “Well snap out of it! What, a hot older woman made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.” – Jeremy Grey

31. Randolph: “You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?”

Jeremy Grey: “Jam, I…”

Randolph: “Listen, man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.”

32. “I made you a painting. I call it “Celebration.” It’s sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.” – Todd Cleary

33. Jeremy Grey: “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

John Beckwith: “Soft mattress?”

Jeremy Grey: “Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.”

34. “She’s fit for a straight-jacket. This broad’s fucked three ways towards the weekend. But you know what, father? I dig it! It turns me on.” – Jeremy Grey

35. “True love is your soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another.” – Claire Cleary

36. “Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!” – Jeremy Grey

37. “Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.” – Chazz Reinhold

38. “You motorboatin’ son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?” – Jeremy Grey

39. “So damn beautiful! With every death there comes rebirth, it’s the circle of life. We’re gonna be all right.” – Chazz Reinhold

40. “This is the real world, lady! You can’t just go shooting people on a whim!” – Jeremy Grey

41. John Beckwith: “How long have you and the Secretary been married?”

Kathleen Cleary: “30 years next April.”

John Beckwith: “That’s beautiful.”

Kathleen Cleary: “Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.”

42. Secretary Cleary: “Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges, will finally unite.”

John Beckwith: “And then of course you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.”

43. “I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.” – John Beckwith

44. Jeremy Grey: “Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That’s got to be an interesting combination.”

Sack Lodge: “I hunt quail, Jeremy. They’re overpopulated in this region and they’re decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?”

Jeremy Grey: “Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let’s go kill some birds. I’m psyched.”

If you’ve been around for more than a minute, you’re no stranger to Geologie. Over the past few years, Geologie has made a name for itself in making skin, body, and hair care accessible to all types with its quality-first, scientifically-formulated product line. While Geologie already raked in over 22 awards since its founding, it’s going for another title: best smell! How’s that for a yearbook superlative?

All jokes aside – Geologie has aligned its product mix with three unique and proprietary fragrance profiles, leaving the hardest decision in your court. Which matches your style? Sit back and think, because we’ll be breaking down their three profiles, sharing some tips on how to make your choice, and making sure you get the low-down on how these super scents are working for you.

A Scent From Each Corner of the World

As if Geologie’s signature grooming line wasn’t solid enough, it really brings the heat and elevates its Natural Deodorant and Body Washes with Big Sur, Hana, and Moab at the helm of the sensory experience. Let’s break it down, using Geologie’s expert description of your sensory journey:

Hana with Deep Jasmine

A rip curl of sweet, seductive jasmine tones transports you from your bath mat into your very own nude beach.

Big Sur with Fresh Eucalyptus

Slices of orange, lemon, and eucalyptus cider cut with hints of ginger blend into a spellbound shower escape.

Moab with Bergamot & Juniper

We’ve bottled the Great Outdoors: musky red rock canyons, crisp river rapid spray, and floral bergamot fruitiness.

Your very own nude beach?! Sign me up! These scents are all winners and having tried each, Moab has become my personal favorite, but all of Geologie’s offerings skillfully walk the thin line of unisex fragrance. I’m most impressed that in my mind, at least, each scent remains pretty genderless as the experience revolves primarily around the sensory experience of the great outdoors.

Even better than the scents is the effectiveness of the deodorants as a whole. Having used a handful of natural deodorants in the past with lackluster results, switching over to Geologie’s Natural Deodorant was a scary transition.

My fears were quickly quelled by the facts. Geologie ensures all-day odor protection thanks to its proprietary deodorizing compound, which eliminates odors naturally, goes on clear, and dries fast with no white residue. And like all of its other recipes, there’s no yucky stuff. The Natural Deodorant is formulated without aluminum, baking soda, talc, phthalates, parabens, or artificial fragrances.

You’ll find the same scent profiles hard at work within Geologie’s Superclean Body Wash collection as well. If your needs are a little more high-powered, I’d check out Geologie’s unscented Acne Control Superclean Body Wash, which is formulated to be an effective and gentle warrior against acne on your back, chest (and elsewhere!) by treating the root causes of acne-prone skin. 

Finding the Right Scent is Your Choice – Tips From the Pros

Sometimes having more information doesn’t help make the decision any easier, especially between these three profiles. Here’s a high-level look at some considerations to make when choosing a personal scent.

1. Know your tastes. Compare scents and experiences that either have or haven’t worked for you in the past and take it from there. You know you gravitate towards musk or your partner won’t dig florals? That’s your starting mark.
   
2. Do your research. Understand where the scent is coming from and how it is achieved. Luckily in this case, Geologie employs scents from the natural world.
   
3. Experiment with light scents and work your way into the heavier ones. It’ll always be easier to ask for more than to ask for less!
   
4. Know your audience! As much as a fragrance is for your benefit and experience, it affects those around you just as much (if not more). What’s the occasion? 

The best way to know what you’ll like will always be to try ‘em all! The best way to get the full scope of the offerings is always to try all of those options. While a >$200 bottle of perfume might not work with this approach, replace your last bottle with the next scent in line. There’s joy in figuring it out for yourself, especially as you keep yourself clean in the process. Make sure to check out all the scents Geologie has to offer and get 20% off your order!

Director Rob Reiner plays documentary filmmaker Martin “Marty” Di Bergi who follows the band on their 1982 American tour, detailing all the drama and funny moments This Is Spinal Tap experience, such as struggling ticket sales, in-house fighting, problems with their Stonehenge stage set-up, and the hysterical ways the band’s drummers keep dying.

Comprising of David St Hubbins (Michael McKean) and Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) on vocals and guitar, bassist Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer), keyboardist Viv Savage (David Kaff), and drummer Mick Shrimpton (R.J. Parnell), This Is Spinal Tap continually find themselves wrapped up in drama, usually of their own accord, leading to plenty of laughs.

The movie’s success is thanks to the clever and witty script by Guest, McKean, Shearer, and Reiner that pokes fun at the music industry–particularly the pretentious rock bands of the 80s–and is laden with funny quotes that have become part of pop culture and everyday conversation. The cast of supporting actors is also amazing, with the likes of Ed Begley Jr., Billy Crystal, Fran Drescher, Dana Carvey, Anjelica Huston, Fred Willard, and Paul Shaffer all making their presence felt.

Deemed by Jeremy Arnold as “effectively” launching the mockumentary genre of film in his 2016 book, The Essentials: 52 Must-See Movies and Why They Matter, This Is Spinal Tap is one of the great 80s comedies with some of the best movie quotes, as you will discover below.

35 Hilarious and Timeless This Is Spinal Tap Quotes

1. “I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn’t believe anything.” – David St. Hubbins
2. “You don’t do heavy metal in Dubly, you know.” – Jeanine Pettibone
3. David St. Hubbins: “I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down.  I think that the problem may have been that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.” Ian Faith: “I really think you’re just making much too big a thing out of it.” Derek Smalls: “Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.”
4. “Well, this piece is called ‘Lick My Love Pump.” – Nigel Tufnel
5. “They’ve earned themselves a distinguished place in rock history as one of Britain’s loudest bands.” – Marty DiBergi
6. “Oh, we’ve got a bigger dressing room than the puppets. That’s refreshing.” – David St. Hubbins
7. “We’re very lucky in the sense that we’ve got two visionaries in the band, you know, David and Nigel are both, like, poets, you know, like Shelley or Byron or people like that. They’re two totally distinct types of visionaries, it’s like fire and ice, basically, you see in ’em. I feel my role in the band is to be kind of in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.” – Derek Smalls
8. “We’ve got Armadillos in our trousers. It’s really quite frightening.” – Nigel Tufnel
9. “May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I’m not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll.” – Lt. Hookstratten
10. “It’s like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.” – Nigel Tufnel
11. Nigel Tufnel: “The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven, and… Marty DiBergi: “Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?” Nigel Tufnel: “Exactly.” Marty DiBergi: “Does that mean it’s louder? Is it any louder?” Nigel Tufnel: “Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it? It’s not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You’re on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you’re on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?” Marty DiBergi: “I don’t know.” Nigel Tufnel: “Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?” Marty DiBergi: “Put it up to eleven?” Nigel Tufnel: “Eleven. Exactly. One louder.” Marty DiBergi: “Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?” Nigel Tufnel: “[pause] These go to eleven.”
12. “Well, I don’t really think the end can be assessed, uh, as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It’s like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how – what does that mean? How far is all the way and then if it stops, what’s stopping it, and what’s behind what’s stopping it? So, what’s the end, you know, is my question to you.” – David St. Hubbins
13.  “In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people… the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing…” – Nigel Tufnel
14. David St. Hubbins: “We say, ‘Love your brother.’ We don’t say it really, but…” Nigel Tufnel: “We don’t literally say it.” David St. Hubbins: “No, we don’t say it.” Nigel Tufnel: “We don’t really, literally mean it.” David St. Hubbins: “No, we don’t believe it either, but…” Nigel Tufnel: “But we’re not racists.” David St. Hubbins: “But that message should be clear, anyway.” Nigel Tufnel: “We’re anything but racists.”
15. Marty DiBergi: “And what happened to Stumpy Joe?” Derek Smalls: “It’s not a very pleasant story. But uh, he died. He choked on uh, the official explanation was he choked on vomit.” Nigel Tufnel: “It was actually. It was actually someone else’s vomit. You know there’s no real…” Derek Smalls: “Well they can’t prove whose vomit it was. They don’t have the ability. There’s no way of…” Nigel Tufnel: “You can’t really dust for vomit.”
16. “The review you had on ‘Shark Sandwich,’ which was merely a two-word review, just said ‘Shit sandwich.’” – Marty DiBergi
17. Ian Faith: “It’s sexist.” Nigel Tufnel: “What’s wrong with being sexy?”
18. Marty DiBergi: “David St. Hubbins… I must admit I’ve never heard anybody with that name.” David St. Hubbins: “It’s an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he’s not a very well known saint.” Marty DiBergi: “Oh, there actually is, uh… there was a Saint Hubbins?” David St. Hubbins: “That’s right, yes.” Marty DiBergi: “What was he the saint of?” David St. Hubbins: “He was the patron saint of quality footwear.”
19. Derek Smalls: “We’re lucky.” David St. Hubbins: “Yeah.” Derek Smalls: “I mean, people should be envying us, you know.” David St. Hubbins: “I envy us.” Derek Smalls: “Yeah.” David St. Hubbins: “I do.” Derek Smalls: “Me too.”
20. Marty DiBergi: “What would you do if you couldn’t play music anymore?” Mick Shrimpton: “Well, as long as there’s, you know, sex and drugs, I could do without the rock n’ roll.”
21. Airport Security Officer: “Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?” Derek Smalls: “Er, not really. No.”
22. Marty DiBergi: “Let’s talk about your reviews a little bit. Regarding Intravenus de Milo – ‘This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.'” Nigel Tufnel: “That’s… that’s nitpicking, isn’t it?”
23. David St. Hubbins: “He died in a bizarre gardening accident…” Nigel Tufnel: “Authorities said… best leave it… unsolved.”
24. “Hello, Cleveland!” – Derek Smalls
25. “Well, I’m sure I’d feel much worse if I weren’t under such heavy sedation.” – David St. Hubbins
26. Morty the Mime: “Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah. How come you got so much here?” Mime Waiter: “I don’t know, they’re not eating it.” Morty the Mime: “Did you do the wind?” Mime Waiter: “I did the wind, I did the wind.” Morty the Mime: “No, you don’t push the wind away, the wind comes at you. Ok change those, get the little dwarf cannolis. Come on, don’t talk back, mime is money, come on, move it.”
27. “This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, ‘What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn’t he have rested on that day too?’” – Marty DiBergi
28. David St. Hubbins: “It’s such a fine line between stupid, and uh…” Nigel Tufnel: “Clever.” David St. Hubbins: “Yeah, and clever.”
29. Ian Faith: “The Boston gig has been canceled…” David St. Hubbins: “What?” Ian Faith: “Yeah. I wouldn’t worry about it though, it’s not a big college town.”
30. Marty DiBergi: “Do you feel that playing rock ‘n’ roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?” Derek Smalls: “No. No. No. I feel it’s like, it’s more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there’s, you know, they preserve the moose. And that’s, that’s my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.” Marty DiBergi: “So when you’re playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?” Derek Smalls: “Yeah.”
31. “He died. He died in a bizarre gardening accident.” – David St Hubbins
32. “I remember being knocked out by their… their exuberance, their raw power… and their punctuality.” – Marty DiBergi
33. (Asked to write his own epitaph) “Here lies David St. Hubbins… and why not?” – David St. Hubbins
34. Nigel Tufnel: “Look… still has the old tag on, never even played it.” Marty DiBergi: (points his finger at the guitar) “You’ve never played…?” Nigel Tufnel: “Don’t touch it!” Marty DiBergi: “Well I wasn’t going to touch it, I was just pointing at it.” Nigel Tufnel: “Well… don’t point! It can’t be played.” Marty DiBergi:” Don’t point, okay. Can I look at it?” Nigel Tufnel: “No. no. That’s it, you’ve seen enough of that one.”
35. Marty DiBergi: “Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?” David St. Hubbins: “Stumpy’s replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh…” Nigel Tufnel: “…Festival.” David St. Hubbins: “Jazz Blues Festival. Where was that?” Nigel Tufnel: “Blues Jazz, really.” Derek Smalls: “Blues Jazz Festival. Misnamed.” Nigel Tufnel: “It was in the Isle of, uh…” David St. Hubbins: “Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy Jazz and Blues Festival.” Nigel Tufnel: “And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.” Derek Smalls: “Just like that.” David St. Hubbins: “He just went up.” Nigel Tufnel: “He just was like a flash of green light… and that was it. Nothing was left.” David St. Hubbins: “Look at his face.” Nigel Tufnel: “Well, there was…” David St. Hubbins: “It’s true, this really did happen.” Nigel Tufnel: “It’s true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.” David St. Hubbins:” Like a stain, really.” Nigel Tufnel: “It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.” David St. Hubbins: “You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It’s just not really widely reported.”

Anti-jokes have been around since comedy existed, with stand-up comedians Andy Kaufman and Norm McDonald two of the genre’s biggest anti-joke comedians. Both were hilarious comics who thrived on irony, anti-climax, and the violation of expected comedic patterns. They would tell gags that began as a typical joke but offered a surprising twist that was far from humorous. Instead of a witty punchline, you got a mundane or non-sensical response absent of humor.

What makes anti-jokes work is the absurdity of the gags due to the absence of traditional comedy structures. The strange nature of these jokes and the anti-climatic payoff are sometimes so disjointed you can’t help but laugh. These jokes push the boundaries of what we find funny and challenge our cognitive processes, inviting us to re-evaluate our understanding of humor.

Anti-jokes often employ dark or taboo subject matter, adding an additional layer of complexity and surprise. This blend of unexpectedness and societal discomfort can elicit a reaction that lies somewhere between confusion, shock, and amusement. Anti-jokes allow us to explore the boundaries of what is socially acceptable in humor, often leading to introspection and reflection on our own biases and sensitivities.

To help you understand what these jokes are all about, with collected some of the most ridiculous anti-jokes for you to enjoy below. They won’t be for everyone, but those with a dark or absurd sense of humor will probably get a kick out of some of these gags.

96 Hilarious Anti-Jokes

1. I’m on a seafood diet. It is going to be really tough for me, I lost a bet to a friend and the problem is I am a vegetarian.
2. What do you call a fly with no wings? A fly. The irony is unfortunate, but the name doesn’t change.
3. A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger of the situation.
4. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where’s my tractor?
5. Why are T-Rexs unable to clap their hands? Because they are extinct.
6. A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper replies, “What, you have a drink called Steve?”
7. What is red and extremely bad for your teeth? A flying brick.
8. A duck walks into a pharmacy. He approaches the pharmacist at the counter and says, “I need some ointment for this rash on my beak.” The pharmacist replies, “Sorry, we don’t have medicine for ducks here.”
9. What kind of fish doesn’t swim? A dead fish.
10. John: “Ask me if I’m a tree.” Sarah: “Are you a tree?” John: “No.”
11. What did number seven say to number nine? Nothing, numbers don’t talk.
12. Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was very surprised.
13. What’s sad about the four black men driving off a cliff? They were my friends.
14. A group of ducks flew overhead in a V formation.
15. What do you call a person who wears a wig? Bald.
16. What ended after 1984? 1985.
17. I can still remember my Grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
18. What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
19. Why did the ant stop for a drink of water? It was thirsty.
20. A man went to a Chinese restaurant but was struggling to use chopsticks so the server gave him a fork.
21. What did one German man say to the other German man? I have no idea, I can’t speak German.
22. A man caught a goldfish one day and it said to him “If you let me go, I’ll grant you three wishes!” The man was committed to a mental institution soon after for severe schizophrenia.
23. How do you make a French guy cry? Murder his family.
24. Why did the dinosaur say “hello” to the little girl? He was being polite.
25. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
26. How does the white-tail deer jump higher than the average house? This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.
27. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Stolen! Make sure you return it before the rightful owners prosecute you.
28. My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7. She doesn’t have a headphone jack.
29. What do you call a talking turtle? A cartoon.
30. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. 
31. Do you know what’s really odd? Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.
32. What do you call a washing machine that won’t wash dishes anymore? Broken.
33. A proton walks into a bar. No one noticed it because protons are tiny and everywhere.
34. What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the Batmobile? Robin! Get in the Batmobile!
35. A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. They have a pleasant time discussing a variety of topics because they are friends.
36. Take my wife now, please! We have run out of gas and she is late for work.
37. What do you call an Australian plumber? A plumber.
38. Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink? Because they can’t dress themselves.
39. A guy walks into a library looking for a book on suicide. The librarian asks, “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
40. What do you call a man with a knife in his back? An ambulance.
41. If you paint a black house with red paint, what do you get? A red house.
42. What is a dog’s favorite form of social media? None, as dogs can’t use social media.
43. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
44. And the horse says, “I’ve just realized I’m a metaphysical construct within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence.”
45. What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo? “This ain’t my first rodeo!”
46. Yo mama so fat… she should be concerned because diabetes is a serious health issue.
47. An apple a day is extremely poor form if you sell apples for a living.
48. What is yellow and something you shouldn’t drink? A school bus.
49. Where was the Constitution signed? At the bottom.
50. What do you call someone who counts all of the boxes of pencils at the pencil factory? A warehouse manager.
51. I know a good knock-knock joke, but someone else has to start it.
52. What is a pirate’s favorite letter? They probably didn’t have one, as history points to the fact that most pirates were illiterate.
53. A man died after eating 300 hot dogs. The moral of the story is don’t eat 300 hot dogs.
54. Why did the man put hot water in the freezer? Because he wanted to make ice cubes for his guest’s drinks.
55. What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
56. A bartender walks into a bar, he was off to work for the night.
57. Why did the bird fall out of the tree? Because it passed out.
58.  If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… Then illegal logging company I invested in is paying off.
59. What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
60. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
61. What happens if you put red wine in the fridge? It gets cold.
62. Why are there no Jewish people on Uranus? The nature of the planet does not sustain human life.
63. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends… But you can’t rob a bank. That’s a felony.
64. What’s white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
65. I like my coffee how I like my coffee. Coffee.
66. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “I lost my tractor.” 
67. How many eggs do chickens lay? Average one every 24-48 hours.
68. What has 2 thumbs and won’t crap? Me because I am constipated.
69. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
70. Where do polar bears vote? They don’t because polar bears have no political views.
71. What should you do if you get a scratch from a piece of metal? Get a tetanus shot.
72. How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
73. What do you call a medical student that graduated last in their class? Doctor.
74. Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other? It has more ducks.
75. What does Santa Claus do over Easter? Relax.
76. A black person walked into a bar. They ordered a drink, drank it, and then left.
77. What do you call a dog with no legs? A dog with no legs.
78. Doctor: I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Patient: What’s the bad news? Doctor: You’re dying! Patient: What’s the good news? Doctor: There’s an open mic night tonight downtown. You should go because it’s good to have a bit of levity in this cruel life.
79. What would happen if you asked dinosaurs to a dinner party? Nothing as dinosaurs don’t exist.
80. Why did the man have a nosebleed? Because he got punched in the face.
81. What do you call a Japanese man in the shower? A Japanese man in the shower.
82. If a red car is red and a blue car is blue, what is a green car? Green.
83. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a worm in your caramel apple. They usually cost more.
84. Mary had a little lamb… and the doctor fainted.
85. What is funny about five people in a Chevy Suburban driving off a cliff? Nothing. They were my cousins.
86. Why is there no aspirin in the rainforest? Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to sell pharmaceuticals in a vastly unpopulated rainforest.
87. If a drink looks like Coke and tastes like Coke, what is it? Coke.
88. Why didn’t Michael go to the party? He wasn’t invited.
89. How do you tell a joke to a deaf person? I don’t know as I don’t know sign language.
90. What do you call ice cream that is chocolate flavored? Chocolate ice cream.
91. Do you know why people are afraid to visit Rachel’s house? Because it’s haunted.
92. Why did little Johnny smash open his piggy bank? He wanted his money.
93. What do you call a dog that can’t find its way home? Lost.
94. I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
95. What did the man ask when he approached the bar? “Can I have a beer, please?”
96. Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.

In the late 70s, the majority of comedians were of American, British, German, and Russian Jewish backgrounds. Jewish comedians gained worldwide fame through vaudeville, sketch, stand-up, radio, television, and movies. In front of the camera and behind, Jewish comedians helped shape the industry.

They are well-known for self-deprecating and self-praising humor that mocks everything from authority figures to religious and secular life. They’re famous for their satire, irony, and wordplay. Below are some of the most inspirational Jewish comedians who have made history over the years.

16 Inspirational Jewish Comedians Who Made History

1. Jerry Seinfeld 

Critics and fans consider Jerry Seinfeld one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time. His Jewish ancestors moved from Syria under the Ottoman Empire to the United States in 1917. Growing up in New York, Seinfeld rose to fame in the 80s with his witty and clever observational style of comedy.

In the early 90s, he co-created the critically and commercially acclaimed sitcom, Seinfeld, with fellow Jewish comic Larry David. Seinfeld also co-wrote and starred in Bee Movie and created and hosted Netflix hit Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. He continues to perform stand-up all over the world, with his shows always selling out.

2. Adam Sandler 

Adam Sandler is one of the most recognizable comedians of the modern era. Born in 1966 to Jewish parents, his ancestors were Russian Jewish. He’s known for his unique voice, clever songs, and biting humor. Sandler’s career took off in the early 90s as a Saturday Night Live cast member.

In the mid-90s, he began a movie career, becoming one of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Sandler starred in several popular comedies, including Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and The Longest Yard. Sandler’s earnest performances in Punch-Drunk Love, Uncut Gems, and Hustle have also amazed audiences, showing a different side to the comedian. Sandler remains one of the most popular comedic actors. 

3. Sarah Silverman 

There’s no topic too taboo or controversial for stand-up comedian and actress Sarah Silverman. Silverman’s famous for her unapologetic satirical style tackling politics, racism, homophobia, sexism, and religion with her trademark deadpan delivery.

She’s of Ashkenazi Jewish descent, but she’s non-religious. Her grandmother escaped The Holocaust during World War II. Silverman gained fame throughout the 90s, starting as a writer and cast member on Saturday Night Live. Later, she hosted The Sarah Silverman Program to universal praise and has continued to perform as a stand-up while also taking acting jobs. 

4. Larry David

Comedian, actor, and writer Larry David is best known as the co-creator of the groundbreaking sitcom Seinfeld and as the creator and star of HBO’s critically acclaimed Curb Your Enthusiasm. David was born in Sheepshead Bay in Brooklyn, New York, in 1947. His father was of German Jewish descent, while his mother’s family was Polish-Jewish from present-day Ukraine.

David started his career in the 70s performing stand-up comedy before landing a writing and acting role on ABC’s Fridays. He then spent a season writing for the hit sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live. David’s one of the wealthiest comedians who has had much success, winning several Emmy Awards for his work on Seinfeld.

5. Amy Schumer 

Stand-up comedian Amy Schumer’s Jewish father was born in Ukraine, while her mother grew up Protestant but converted to Judaism. Schumer had her big breakthrough as a contestant on the reality comedy competition series Last Comic Standing.

She became famous as the star and creator of the popular sketch comedy series Inside Amy Schumer. Schumer went on to star in Trainwreck, and I Feel Pretty. She also released several comedy specials, notably the Grammy Award-winning special Amy Schumer: Live at The Apollo.

6. The Marx Brothers 

From 1905 to 1949, The Marx Brothers were the top comedy act in America. The group comprised brothers Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo, and Zeppo. The brothers were born to Jewish parents from France and Germany in New York City. The three core members were the three eldest who developed unique stage personas. The younger two didn’t make it as far and left to start an agency.

The Marx Brothers first became the top act in vaudeville and Broadway before dominating cinema. The brothers starred in several popular movies, including Duck Soup and A Night at the Opera. They are among the most influential comedians in the industry. 

7. Joan Rivers 

With her distinct New York accent, Joan Rivers was a pioneer for women in comedy. She was famous for her in-you-face “tell it like it is” attitude and blunt comedic style. She was controversial and self-deprecating but also mocked politicians and celebrities.

Born in Brooklyn, New York, to Russian-Jewish immigrants, Rivers started her comedy ambitions in the 1960s, with her career taking off when she appeared as a guest and later guest host of the iconic Tonight Show starring her mentor Johnny Carson.

Rivers went on to become the first woman to host a late-night talk show, The Late Show with Joan Rivers. Rivers became famous for roasting celebrities on the red carpet later in her career. She died in 2014 due to complications from surgery.

8. Sid Caesar 

No one comedian was as influential as Sid Caesar. Caesar was born to Polish Jewish parents in 1922 in Yonkers, New York. He’s best known as the star of two groundbreaking series in the 1950s, Your Show of Show and Caesar Hour. A pioneer in television, he gave several writers their big break, notably Mel Brooks, Neil Simon, and Carl Reiner.

Caesar often developed a concept and had his writers flesh out the idea. He was famous for using accents, body language, facial expressions, slapstick, and witty dialogue. Unlike other comedians of the time, critics called Caesar’s style of comedy “avant-garde.” Critics considered his show’s witty and clever and hilarious dialogue that was some of the best on TV at that time. The iconic television star later appeared in the classic movie Grease and its sequel. 

9. Mel Brooks 

Iconic comedian Mel Brooks was born in 1926 on a kitchen table in Brownsville, New York. His father was German-Jewish, and his mother Russian Jewish. He started his career working on Your Show of Shows and Get Smart in the 50s and 60s.

Beginning in the 1970s, Brooks established himself as one of the greatest filmmakers and comedians of all time. He released several popular movies, including The Producers, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, History of the World Part I, Spaceballs, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and History of the World, Part II. As the master of parody and farce, Brooks’ career has spanned seven decades, winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony Awards, making him the recipient of an EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony award).

10. Fanny Brice 

Born in Manhattan, New York City, in 1891, comedian Fanny Brice grew up with a Jewish-Hungarian mother. She dropped out of high school to start her performing career. Brice became a major radio star after creating the bratty toddler character Baby Snooks.

In 1944, she began hosting The Baby Snooks Show to universal praise. She became one of the biggest stars of the era. Barbara Streisand won an Oscar for Best Actress for portraying Brice in the 1968 film Funny Girl.

11. Jerry Lewis 

Jerry Lewis was born in 1926 to Jewish parents who emigrated from the Russian Empire. Lewis became a household name in the 50s and 60s as a stage performer with Dean Martin and as a solo act. Lewis was an innovator known for his distinctive voice, physical comedy, pratfalls, facial expressions, and gags. He cemented his legacy with the 1963 film The Nutty Professor. 

12. Alex Edelman 

Stand-up comedian Alex Edelman has made a name for himself touring the globe with his hilarious comedy routines. Edelman’s best known for his live specials Alex Edelman: Live at the BBC and Until Now. He grew up in an Orthodox Jewish family and spent a year in a yeshiva in Jerusalem. He even helped launch Jerusalem’s first comedy club, Off the Wall Comedy. 

13. Jack Benny 

From his humble beginnings playing the violin on the vaudeville circuit to becoming a household name, Jack Benny is one of the most influential performers in history. He was born in 1894 to a Polish-Jewish mother and a Jewish father from Lithuania.

With impeccable comedic timing, Benny rose to fame as the host of The Jack Benny Program on Radio from 1932 to 1955. He became one of the early television stars, switching to television in the early 50s. 

14. Eddie Cantor 

Eddie Cantor’s early life is a bit of a mystery. Historians can only say he was born in 1892 to a young Jewish couple from Russia. Cantor became a household name, with millions of listeners tuning in to his classic radio programs. Cantor was known for discussing personal and intimate stories about his wife, Ida, and had a running gag about his five “unmarriageable” daughters. Unsurprisingly, his daughters didn’t always appreciate the jokes.

His best-known bits include “Makin’ Whoopee,” “Mandy,” and “Ida (Sweet as Apple Cider).” He also wrote the famous theme song for the Merrie Melodies cartoons. 

15. Jackie Mason 

Born in 1928, Jackie Mason grew up in a strict Orthodox Jewish family. In fact, he came from a long line of Rabbis. Of course, Mason’s career went in a different direction. Known for his iconic voice and politically incorrect humor, Mason used puns and innuendo as part of his famous act. He often stirred up controversy with Ed Sullivan banning him from his show for allegedly flipping him off on live television.

Mason released several popular one-person shows, including the Emmy Award-winning The World According to Me. He won a second Emmy for his voice work as the father of Krusty the Clown, Rabbi Hyman Krustofski, in The Simpsons.

16. Woody Allen 

Comedian and filmmaker Woody Allen started his career in the 1950s writing for Your Show of Shows. In the 60s, he began performing stand-up comedy in Greenwich Village, where he developed his insecure, nebbish persona. In the 70s and 80s, Allen established himself as a premiere filmmaker with critically acclaimed hits such as Manhattan, Hannah & Her Sisters, and Oscar winner for Best Picture, Annie Hall.

In the 90s, Allen made headlines when he left actress Mia Farrow to marry Farrow’s adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn. Later, Farrow accused Allen of sexually abusing their adopted daughter Dylan Farrow. Allen denies the accusations with no charges filed, although it has certainly impacted his media persona.

Biology jokes have a unique way of blending scientific knowledge with humor and come in the form of clever biological references, witty puns, and lighthearted cracks about the school subject. From DNA-related wisecracks to animal-themed quips, biology jokes showcase the humorous side of the natural world, allowing us to marvel at the natural world while also having a few giggles.

While we admit some of the jokes below are a little corny, they are still funny biology jokes that should bring a smile to the face of everyone in the class, even the biology teacher. And if you are a big fan of these science jokes, be sure to check out our favorite physic jokes too. 

76 Hilarious Biology Jokes That Will Crack Up the Classroom

Syda Productions/Shutterstock

1. How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

2. I was reading a book on helium…

I couldn’t put it down.

3. Why did the biologist break up with the physicist?

They had no chemistry.

4. I wish I was adenine…

Then I could get paired with U.

5. What does a biologist tell you when you have to give blood?

B positive!

6. Why do ants never get sick?

They have little anty bodies.

7. What did the cell say when he ran into the table?

Mitosis.

8. Where did the viruses go?

They flu away.

9. What do you call it when your biology grade is close to an F?

Biodegraded.

10. Why wouldn’t the scientist go into the haunted house?

He was too petrified.

11. Where do hippos go to university?

Hippocampus.

12. What do you call an organic compound with an attitude?

A-mean-o acid.

13. Why didn’t anyone want the biologist’s new book?

It was a hard cell.

14. Do you want to hear a potassium joke?

K.

15. Why are men sexier than women?

You can’t spell sexy without xy.

16. Two blood cells met and fell in love.

Sadly, it was all in vein.

17. Why did the woman break up with the biologist?

He was too cell-fish.

18. What does a biologist tell you when you have to give blood?

B positive!

19. Why was the amoeba sad?

His parents just split.

20. What do you call a cab that provides drug therapy?

Chemotaxis.

21. Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.

22. What is the tiniest virus in the world?

Smallpox.

23. My biology teacher decided to create vocal cords with stem cells.

The results really speak for themselves.

24. What do other plants do when one of their plant friends is sad?

Photosympathize.

25. Why was the mushroom so popular?

He was a real fungi.

26. A couple of biologists had twins…

They named one Jessica and the other Control.

27. What did the femur say to the patella?

I kneed you.

28. Why do biologists look forward to casual Fridays?

They’re allowed to wear genes to work.

29. What do biologists post on Instagram?

Cell-fies.

30. One flower looks at the other and says, “You hungry?”

The second flower responded, “I could use a light snack.”

31. How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?

As an itsy bitsy book.

32. Why do biologists like to travel?

It makes them more cultured.

33. What do you call the leader of a biology gang?

The nucleus.

34. Why aren’t students allowed in the biology teachers’ lounge?

It’s for staph only.

35. What do hipster biologists wear?

Skinny genes.

36. Why was the girl worried about biology class?

She has a Nervous System.

37. How does a marine biologist end a conversation?

Sea you later!

38. Why did the scuba diver fail biology?

He was below “C” level.

39. There are well over 100 labs in America working on developing a vaccine for the latest COVID-19 strain.

Just wait till they get the German shepherds involved!

40. A male frog calls the psychic hotline. He is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled. “This is great,” he says. “Will I meet her in a bar?”

“No,” says the psychic. “In her biology class.”

41. Why did the woman break up with the biologist?

He was too cell-fish.

42. Today in biology class we were dissecting an eye.

I kept thinking of jokes but they were getting cornea and cornea.

43. I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed…

Guess my thymine was off.

44. What is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

45. Biology professor: “Hello, class. Today we will be learning about the liver and the pancreas.”

Biology student: “Ugh, I hate organ recitals.”

46. How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature?

Romeostasis.

47. Biologists can also be great philosophers.

They give fantastic life lessons.

48. It’s impossible for plants to escape from jail.

There’s a wall around their cell!

49. Teacher: “What is the definition of a protein?”

Student: “A protein is something that is made up of mean old acids.”

50. Which place of worship is made from amino acids?

The cysteine chapel.

51. If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.

52. What do football players wear on their heads?

Helminth.

53. Are you made of copper and tellurium?

Because you are Cu-Te.

54. We just hired a new molecular biologist.

Wow, isn’t she small?

55. I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, “I think your fly is open.”

56. Why did the biologist not water all of the plants?

Because they couldn’t find the thyme!

57. What did the conservative biologist say?

“The only cleavage I want to see is at the cellular level.”

58. Why can’t a plant be on the dark side of the Force?

Because it can’t make food without the light!

59. A dermatologist was studying new remedies for itching, but his lab burnt down…

Now he has to start from scratch.

60. Why was the biologist broke?

Because he was sporely paid.

61. What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

62. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenics lab?

“Your contribution to this project is absolute zero.”

63. What did the avid recyclers name their triplets?

Polly, Ethel, and Ian.

64. Is there a big difference between male and female anatomy?

Yes, a vas deferens.

65. What did the biologist wear on his first date with the pretty girl?

Designer genes.

66. Which biochemicals wash up on beaches?

Nucleotides.

67. Why didn’t the dendrochronologist ever get married?

Because he only dated trees.

68. Do you have 11 protons?

‘Cause you’re Sodium fine.

69. What would you call the scientific study of real estate?

Homology.

70. A doctor, a health insurance agent, and a lab tech walk into a bar. Who pays the tab?

The patient.

71. Why don’t yogurt and medicine get along?

One is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic.

72. What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?

“I like your ‘style.’”

73. How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon?

He caught the garter snake.

74. What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics?

“Woopea!”

75. Do you know what gets on my nerves?

Myelin.

76. What do you call a broken spirometer?

Expired.

Although he has passed on, there are still some comedians who have carried on the one-liner tradition, such as UK comedians Jimmy Carr, Milton Jones, and Tim Vine. Sadly the one-liner isn’t as popular in the United States anymore, so we thought it was about time to bring it back with this collection of humorous one-liners. 

What you will find below are nuggets of wit and silliness with the power to crack smiles, induce guffaws, and turn a dull moment into a memorable one. It’s amazing how with just a few well-chosen words you can have your friends and family doubling over in laughter. Whether it’s a classic one-liner from a comedy great or a modern zinger, these one-liners are sure to pack a punch.  So, get ready to laugh as we dive into the world of funny one-liners.

120 Funny One-Liners That Will Have You Giggling

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1. Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
2. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
4. I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
6. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
8. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
9. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Life is like a bird. It’s pretty until it shits on your head. 
12. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
13. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
14. Don’t hate it when someone answers their own question? I do.
15. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems – the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
16. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
17. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
18. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
19. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
20. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
21. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
22. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad of an electrician I am. 
23. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
24. A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
25. I never knew what happiness was until I got married – and then it was too late.
26. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
27. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
28. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
29. There’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
30. Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?
31. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
32. She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.
33. Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
34. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling.
35. I used to think I was indecisive, but I’m not so sure anymore. 
36. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
37. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.
38. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
39. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
40. They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
41. My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
42. I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
43. Did you hear about the fight at the restaurant last night? Four fish got battered.
44. One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
45. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
46. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
47. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
48. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
49. Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
50. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
51. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
52. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
53. Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
54. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
55. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
56. Birthday cake was invented as a distraction from aging bones and balding heads.
57. The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
58. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
59. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
60. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
61. Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
62. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
63. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s still on the list. 
64. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
65. Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
66. I don’t suffer from insanity – I enjoy every minute of it.
67. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
68. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner – all it was doing was gathering dust.
69. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
70. A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else; the same with good manners. 
71. I used to believe that all things must pass – until I got stuck behind a school bus.
72. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
73. Did you hear the one about the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?
74. If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
75. I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.
76. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
77. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
78. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
79. Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
80. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…”
81. Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
82. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
83. Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.
84. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.
85. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
86. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
87. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
88. Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
89. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
90. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
91. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
92. I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
93. Keep the dream alive – hit your snooze button.
94. Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
95. The person who invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
96. A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out.
97. I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
98. The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
99. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
100. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
101. I had an “hourglass” figure, but then the sand shifted.
102. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
103. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
104. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
105. My father drank so heavily when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.
106. Blunt pencils are really pointless.
107. Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
108. Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
109. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
110. One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
111. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
112. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
113. I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a motherboard?” and he said, “I tell her about my job.”
114. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. 
115.  I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
116. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
117. A perfectionist walked into a bar – apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
118. I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.
119. A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
120. If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

If you’re a science teacher, particularly in the chemistry field, or a student, you are sure to raise a smile reading this collection of chemistry jokes. Obviously, if you have a basic understanding of the subject matter it will help, but even chemistry novices will find these jokes funny.

Some popular themes for chemistry jokes include the periodic table, chemical reactions, lab equipment, and the properties of various elements and compounds. It doesn’t matter if you’re an adult or a child, you’ll find a joke here that hits the mark. These chemistry jokes are a lighthearted and fun way to engage with the fascinating world of chemistry and its many quirks and complexities.

80 Chemistry Jokes Sure To Give You a Giggle

Raul Mellado Ortiz/Shutterstock

1. Two chemists walk into a bar. One tells the bartender, “I’ll have an H2O.” The other says, “I’ll have an H2O too!” The second chemist dies.
2. What happens when you lower your body temperature to -273°C?  Nothing, you’re perfectly 0K. 
3. Make like a proton and stay positive. 
4. What do you call a clown in jail? A silicon.
5. If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they’d be alloys.
6. Why did the attacking army use acid? To neutralize the enemy’s base. 
7. Lose an electron? You gotta keep an ion it. 
8. What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium!
9. Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walk into a bar.”OH SNaP!” says the bartender.
10. What happened to the man stopped for having sodium chloride and a 9-volt in his car? He was booked for a salt and battery.
11. I like to hear chemistry puns, periodically.
12. What kind of dogs do chemists have? Laboratory Retrievers.
13. Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK.
14. Want to hear a potassium joke? K. 
15. A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender gives him a smile and says, “For you, no charge.”
16. Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.
17. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
18. Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber? To reduce his carbon footprint.
19. Gold is the best element because it’s AU-some.
20. What do the other elements say to hydrogen? What a loner!
21. Old chemists never die. They just stop reacting.
22. What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o-acid. 
23. I can’t remember that element, but it’s on the tip of my tungsten.
24. What do you call an iron blowing in the breeze? Febreeze. 
25. Does anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na. 
26. Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates!
27. My chemistry experiment exploded. It’s ok, oxidants happen. 
28. I once told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction. 
29. What did one charged atom say to the other? I got my ion you!
30. I wish I was adenine. Then I could get paired with U.
31. What is the dullest element? Bohrium.
32. H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? Drinking.
33. What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon. 
34. I’m out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one. 
35. What element derives from a Norse god? Thorium.
36. I like chemistry jokes because they are funny. He. He. he. 
37. Are you made of copper and tellurim? Because you’re CuTe.
38. Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just couldn’t put it down.
39. Carbon and hydrogen went on a date. I heard they really bonded. 
40. What show do cesium and iodine watch together? Csl. 
41. Chemistry is like cooking. Just don’t lick the cutlery.
42. The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty, but how does the chemist see it? Completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
43. How about the chemical workers … are they unionized?
44. I can’t remember that element, but it’s on the tip of my tungsten.
45. What is the chemical formula for coffee? CoFe2. 
46. The proton is not speaking to the other proton. He’s mad atom.
47. Why are helium, curium, and barium the three main medical elements? If you can’t curium or helium, you barium.
48. Are you 11 protons? Cause you are sodium fine.
49. What did silver say to gold at the bar? “Au, get outta here!”
50. Knock, knock, who’s there? Beryl. Beryl who? Beryl and Lium.
51. Want to hear a joke about nitrogen oxide? NO. 
52. If you’re not part of the solution – you’re part of the precipitate.
53. Why does a hamburger have less energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.
54. I am female. Fe = Iron and Male = man. Therefore, I am Iron Man.
55. What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? “You may have graduated, but I’ve got many degrees.”
56. I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite… He said NaBrO.
57. What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from? Separation anxiety. 
58. Forget hydrogen, you’re my number one element.
59. What is a chemist’s favorite holiday song? Oh Chemist-TREE, oh Chemist-TREE. 
60. Someone threw sodium chloride at me. I yelled, “That’s a salt!”
61. What is the chemical formula for banana? BaNa2. 
62. If H2O is the formula for water, then what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
63. Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he left the singles bar? Because he got Avogadro’s number.
64. That was sodium funny. I slapped my neon that one.
65. What is the most important rule in chemistry? Never lick the spoon!
66. Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gasses in here.”Helium doesn’t react.
67. Wait, are all these jokes too basic for you? Because I see no reaction.
68. How did Arsenal become a strong club in the English Premier League? Because they are bronzed with arsenic.
69. What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
70. Chemists are so happy in their lab because they are in their element.
71. What do chemists call a benzene ring where the carbon atoms are replaced with iron atoms? A ferrous wheel.
72. Titanium is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it’ll combine with anything.
73. What’s a chemistry teacher’s favorite thing to teach about? Ammonia, because it’s pretty basic stuff. 
74. You should never go out drinking with neutrons because there is never any change. 
75. Enough of these chemistry puns. I think we have all sulfured enough. 
76. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? One molar solution.
77. How did the chemist survive the famine? By subsisting on titrations.
78. What do you get when you mix helium with steel? Flying cars. 
79. Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
80. Have you heard about James Bond’s Eskimo cousin? His name is Polar Bond. 

Dominating the ring between 1987-1990, Tyson is the youngest ever boxer to win a heavyweight title at 20 years, four months, and 22 days old, but his career has also been controversial. He was convicted of rape in 1992 and served three years behind bars before returning to the ring, winning back several of his titles before his 1997 match against Evander Holyfield pretty much ended his career when Tyson bit off part of Holyfield’s ear.

Since then Tyson has gone bankrupt in 2003, losing his $400 million fortune, been involved in several drug-related run-ins with the law, and got in trouble for comments he made in the media about Sarah Palin. Despite all this, Tyson has managed to build back his brand and is now worth around an estimated $10 million, mainly thanks to his cannabis company Tyson 2.0. He’s also helped soften the media and public’s perception of him by exposing his flaws in interviews, appearing in movies, such as The Hangover, and revealing more about himself on his podcast, Hot Boxin’.

One thing Tyson is known for besides his incredible skills in the ring is his tattoos. Tyson has several notable tattoos on his body, including the tribal tattoo on his face. This article will look at Tyson’s ink and explain the meaning behind his tattoos, hopefully giving you a great understanding of Iron Mike the person. 

A Guide To Six Mike Tyson Tattoos and What They Mean

1. Tribal Face Tattoo

PhotoshopSurgeon/YouTube

Let’s start with the most obvious tattoo Tyson has, his tribal face tattoo. Everybody was surprised when Tyson appeared in public sporting this tattoo. It’s not like he can hide it from anyone. The ink was done by visual artist Victor Whitmill in 2003, with the 2008 Tyson documentary explaining that the tattoo represents Tyson’s “warrior status.”

But it wasn’t until years later that Tyson discussed the tattoo while chatting with sportscaster Jim Grey on his podcast that Tyson revealed his reasons behind getting the tattoo. When asked by Grey why he got the tribal tattoo Tyson replied, “I don’t know. I was supposed to do it earlier. Put this tattoo, I wanted a tattoo on my face. I was gonna put a bunch of hearts on my face, there’s a bunch of little hearts and my friends are like, no I am not gonna do anything whack like that.”

He went on to add, “So he (friend) said let’s think about putting a tribal mark or something in there. And I said, okay we will do that. So he caked me a couple of days later. He brought up this tribal mark. So I said let’s do it and we did it.” Simple. 

The boxing star also admitted to being wasted when he got the tattoo on the same podcast. “I think I was on cocaine at the time,” he said “I am drinking and I was fucking wanted to get a badass tattoo. Some mean shit on my face.” Well, he certainly achieved his goal. 

The tattoo has become part of pop culture when one of the characters in the hit movie The Hangover, Stu (played by actor Ed Helms), wakes up to find he has the same tattoo. This tattoo forms the crux of several jokes, especially when Tyson pops up in the film, and was also the center of a lawsuit.

Mr Whitmill claimed Tyson gave him the copyright of the tattoo and Warner Bros. using it in The Hangover was a violation of copyright infringement laws. He tried to stop the release of The Hangover 2 but ended up settling out of court for an unknown amount. 

2. Mao Zedong Portrait Tattoo

Legendary Fist/YouTube

If getting a face tattoo isn’t strange enough, Tyson also has an original tattoo of Chinese leader Mao Zedong on his right arm. For those whose history is a little shabby, Mao Zedong was the founder of the People’s Republic of China. He remains a controversial figure, with the majority of Chinese citizens believing him a great leader for ending decades of civil war and reuniting the country as one, while the rest of the world sees him as a dictator whose rule resulted in the deaths of close to 80 million people through his policies. 

Tyson’s respect for Zedong came while in prison where he read several books about the leader. It was while inside that Tyson decided to get a portrait tattoo of Zedong, with his name “Mao” tattooed underneath. In 2006 Tyson visited the Chairman Mao Memorial Hall, with the Chicago Tribune reporting Tyson said, “Standing in front of Chairman Mao’s remains, I felt really insignificant. To have the chance to visit the memorial hall is a great honor for me.”

3. Arthur Asher Portrait Tattoo

Legendary Fist/YouTube

Another prison tattoo Tyson got while behind bars was that of tennis player Arthur Asher. The tattoo is a portrait of Asher with the words “Days of Grace” written above the image. He decided to get the ink after reading Asher’s biography, Days of Grace, which Spike Lee sent him.

“Spike gave me the book and went through the book and what a thing,” Tyson explains in an interview with Inked Mag. “I flew through it, then read it again. I felt a kinship to [Ashe]. He was very intelligent and he held back that intelligence, he was just nonconfrontational. I respect that. I wish I could be nonconfrontational but it just wasn’t meant to be. I felt a kinship there, so I put a tattoo there.”

The interview with Inked Mag also reveals Asher plays an important role in Tyson’s life. His third and current wife, Lakiha “Kiki” Spicer was given a tennis racket by Asher as a child while the duo’s daughter is an outstanding tennis player herself. “How is that possible?” Tyson says in the interview. “I have the tattoo on my arm, my wife has a racket from him, and our daughter plays tennis. It’s crazy.”

4. Che Guevara Portrait Tattoo

Legendary Fist/YouTube

On the left side of Tyson’s torso is a tattoo of another communist leader, this one being the great Che Guevara. The tattoo is a copy of the famous Guerrillero Heroico photograph taken by Alberto Korda on March 5, 1960. It’s quite a large tattoo that takes up a lot of space on the left side of Tyson’s body. 

Speaking about the ink in the documentary Tyson, the boxing legend said, “When I was in prison, I was so angry at society. I put a tattoo of Mao on me. I put a tattoo of Che on me. Because I just had no faith in our government.”

5. Monica Turner Portrait Tattoo

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Tyson did the cardinal sin of tattooing and got his partner’s portrait inked on his left forearm. If there is one thing you never do it’s tattoo a lover’s name or image on your body. Tyson and Monica Turner met in the mid-90s and married in 1997. They stayed together until 2002, when Turner filed for divorce claiming Tyson had committed adultery throughout their five-year marriage. The divorce was finalized in 2003 and the two went their separate ways. 

It’s a pretty basic tattoo and while you can see the resemblance to Turner, it’s not exactly a work of art. It also helps that the tattoo is on the inside of Tyson’s forearm so it’s not the most visible, meaning he doesn’t have to worry about people seeing it all the time. 

6. Dragon Tattoo

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On his right forearm, Tyson has a dragon tattoo which is easily the most impressive of all his artwork. This is the one tattoo there is little information on, with nobody being sure of the tattoo artist or the actual meaning behind the tattoo. Tyson himself hasn’t discussed the ink but as The Sun detailed, “In Chinese culture, the dragon represents strength, wisdom, and freedom,” so it wouldn’t be a stretch to think Tyson knows this and wanted the tattoo to represent these things. Or maybe he just really likes dragons? We will never know until he comments on the artwork.